Michael Edwards Jr. Should Die in a Fire

How you doin'?

How are we doin'? Fuck you. That's how we're doin'. Hey! If we wanted the Black Joey Tribiani leering at us we'd be getting makeup tips from that Land Manatee formerly known as Snooki. Don't worry if you don't recognize this smug douchebag. Consider yourself fortunate...and dry. What's up with the wife beater? Didn't they outlaw those back when Cops was still on the air? Jesus, he's still looking at us. If we want a guy to look at us that way, we'd watch Old Spice Guy commercials on YouTube:

"Hello Ladies, look at your man."
"Now back to me."
"Now back to your man"
"Now back to me."
"Thank god he doesn't look like me, but if he started jerking off into a Vitamin Water Bottle four or five times a day he could smell like me."
"Look down. Back at me. Where are you? You're in the grocery store with the man your man could smell like if he jerked off into a Vitamin Water bottle four or five times a day."
"What's in my hand? I have it. It's a Vitamin Water bottle."
"Look again! I'm now aiming that bottle at the back of your neck!"
"Anything is possible when you are a cowardly semen squirter."
"I'm in a jail."

Yeah, you read that right.. You see... this smirking motherfucker here got charged with second degree assault for spraying a woman outside the Gaithersburg Giant and then speeding away in a car. Apparently he may be a serial semen sprayer (say that five times fast Kevin Spacey). We don't want to put other sex offenders up on a pedestal here, but I'm pretty sure that even the pedophiles will try and shank you in the joint for giving them a bad name.

But how did this criminal mastermind get caught? DNA? Sure sure that's a possibility. The fast thinking of some CSI drone? Surprisingly no. This is actually the part where the Old Semen Guy reveals himself to be even dumber than his smirking mugshot might suggest. You see, he used his Giant Rewards Card to make a purchase right before he pulled out his ten inch Vitamin Water Bottle. Really? What the fuck did you need to buy? Klenex? Maybe some Lubriderm and two cantaloupes? I mean really the mind boggles. Who mixes sexual assault with a trip to the grocery store? Did you think you were going to class up your assault by buying some fava beans and a nice Chianti? Look I hate to break it to you, but Thomas Harris didn't write Hannibal Lecter as a semen squirter because he didn't think it was cool enough. Actually, as I remember Miggs in the next cell threw some semen on Clarice. How did that work out for ole Miggs?

Well there's no need to chew off your own tongue, just use that Giant Reward card to buy a big bag of charcoal so that you, Mr. Michael Edwards Jr. can die in a fire. And the fire should be doused with Vitamin Water. Yes actual Vitamin Water, we're ironic and vindictive not pervs.