Melanie Spanopoulos: Love in the Age of Facebook

Don't not "friend" Melanie Spanopoulos.

Apparently this digital age Amy Fisher takes her Facebook seriously. Ever had one of those awkward "why haven't you accepted my friend request" conversations? The ones where you say you just don't check Facebook that often but actually you've consigned the person to Friend Limbo (Frimbo)? Ever had your cousin run you down with her van (twice) because she found out some guy accepted you, but rejected her? No? Well, Giselle Penagos has and her cousin Melanie don't play that.

How does a fight about a Facebook "friend" even work?

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Mark Zuckerberg Should Die in a Fire

No One likes this.

We're going to keep this short and sweet. Facebook was odious enough when it was just giving a generation of idiots the illusion that they mattered to anyone. Fine, whatever, P.T. Barnum would have loved the Web. (Important Safety Tip: If more people wish you happy birthday on your Facebook wall than to your actual face then you need to stop, unplug your computer and hang yourself with the power cord.) But now this billionaire mouthbreather wants to trademark the word "face," and sue anyone who uses the word "book" in the context of online or social networking. Because it "creates a false suggestion of an affiliation or connection between [Teachbook] and Facebook, where none exists."

Surprisingly, we would actually agree with you except for one problem. You didn't coin the term "facebook," and it doesn't belong to you, Mark. Colleges have been issuing facebooks for years, and they called them, wait for it, facebooks. You know who had a facebook? Harvard had a facebook; that's where you got your "idea" to create an electronic facebook so you could scam on girls (seriously, have you looked in the mirror?) This is a little like creating a website called Hardware.com that sells hardware, and then trying to prevent anyone from using the word "hardware" to sell anything to do with fucking hardware. The word "face" and "book" were associated with social networking long before your pimply-ass appropriated them. It's why you appropriated them. If you wanted an original name you should have invented a word like "Sony." But you didn't. You took an existing word, and used it for your website. Trying to say that it belongs to you now is just the pinnacle of ex post facto douchebaggery.

Wherefore the sudden bravado, Mark? Is it because David Fincher cast that Michael Cera shaped tumor Jesse Eisenberg to play you in the movie? Perhaps you should ponder the significance of that casting decision, Mark; it's not a compliment. Otherwise, after you get done with teachbook.com you might try something stupid like suing Apple for it's video chat feature: Facetime. Hey, video chat is social and it requires a network... We'd like to see that, and watch Steve Jobs defile your corpse like a Silicon Valley Vincenzo Coccotti. He's done it before.

Maybe we'll trademark the words "die" and "fire." Watch your ass, Firefox. You know, as in, Mark go die in a fire(™).