Thursday, September 2, 2010

Briquettes of the Week

1. The Marin County Sheriff's Department

Peter McFarland filed suit this week against the Marin Count Sheriff's Department. Seems the sixty-four year old had a wee run-in with the deputies last summer. While being treated in his living room for injuries sustained falling down his own stairs, the deputies arrived to arrest Mr. McFarland because someone reported hearing him complain, "if I had a gun, I'd shoot myself in the head." Fearing for his safety, the officers tased McFarland three times when he kept "resisting." Apparently in Marin County resisting arrest means sitting legs crossed on your settee. Scoff if you will. We know you don't see this position in too many MMA bouts, but that staid old man was seconds from unleashing a senior citizen discount on those cops. Look at him, he's coiled like a bowl of split pea soup. We're talking Crouching Cockapoo, Hidden Schnauzer. The video of the tasing clearly demonstrates that McFarland was threatening to talk them to death before they ably defended themselves.

2. Everyone at Warner Bros. Responsible for Final Destination 5

Five of them? Five fucking films about a non-corporeal entity gruesomely dispatching witless idiots who somehow "cheated" death the first time? For those of you with better taste, it's the identical movie every time with the only suspense offered being how the knuckleheads are dispatched. My personal favorite were the two girls UVA'd to death in tanning beds. Death by suntan. Seriously, it was very exciting. The way rewatching episodes of Murder She Wrote with your aunt is exciting. So you can excuse us for getting our hopes up when they called the last installment, The Final Destination. But in the grand tradition of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter, Warner Bros. honcho Alan Horn has resurrected it for yet more contrived murders. Maybe this time someone will die by over-officious Marin County Deputy. Oh, and we have an idea for Final Destination 6: a film franchise undeservedly escapes turn around but death finally brings down the beast with a good old fashion projector fire.

3. Dr. Jacquelyn Kotarac

Perhaps the good doctor was a closet Final Destination fan. We can't think of too many other reasons why a forty-nine year old physician would decide to break into her on-again, off-again boyfriend's house by going all Kris Kringle down his chimney. Rescue workers had to smash through the chimney when they finally located her body three days later. Which raises the question, doctor of what? And from where? This can only lead to a lawsuit because the chimney didn't have a warning label:

Warning - Do Not Attempt to Enter the House Via the Chimney. Doing So May Lead to Accidental Clogging and Loss of Life. In the Event of an Accidental Clogging Pray to God You Can Reach Your Cell Phone.

We'll leave the rest to the good people at the Darwin Awards. Just wow.

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