Thursday, September 9, 2010

Briquettes of the Week

1. Heath and Deborah Campbell

Direct from a lost Jon Waters film come Heath and Deborah Campbell, proud parents of Adolph Hitler Campbell 4, Aryan Nation Campbell 3, and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie 2 (Hinler apparently is Daddy's interpretation of Heinrich Himmler's name). They lost their bid recently to have their three children released from Child Protective Services. Anyone who is surprised hasn't been paying attention to the ego driven child naming loose in America. Just ask Kal-el Cage, Little Pixie Geldoff or Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette if they can empathize with Adolph Hittler Campbell. Remember that episode of Seinfeld where George wanted to name his kid "Seven" in honor of Mickey Mantle? Apparently Andre Benjamin didn't get that it was meant as a joke. Did any of these motherfuckers go to elementary school? Kids are cruel if your name rhymes with "fart" imagine what will happen to a kid named Banjo Griffiths. Why would you decide that your kid will never be president at birth? Maybe naming your kid ought to be good for the kid, and not a way to garner some weird hipster cache at your next key party. We're just bracing for someone to sell the naming rights of their kids for a college scholarship. Coming to a preschool near you: Pepsi Playtex Thompson. Child as viral marketing... don't think that's what's already happening?

2. Levi Johnston

The fastest growing spectator sport in America is watching some poor soul who accidentally bled into the public consciousness scramble pathetically to stay there. It's like watching a dog change directions on a hardwood floor - their little legs are pumping but they ain't getting no traction. In pole position this week is little Levi Johnson. Levi's story is a classic American feel good, pull yourself up by your bootstraps tale. Except in this case, instead of bootstraps he pulled himself by his unused condoms.One day he's a high school dropout, the next he's the Palin baby-daddy. A role he clearly prefers to being an apprentice electrician in the Alaskan oil fields. Personally, we think that's a race to the bottom either way. It's been a graceless, uncoordinated slide ever since with his tasteful Playgirl spread serving as a metaphoric and visual nadir. Things had quieted down, and we felt good and rid of Levi until his tepid bid to run for Mayor of Wasilla, Alaska. Fear gripped us...was Levi back? Then we saw Levi's polling numbers this week: 4% positive / 76% negative. Just to give it some context, John Edwards, another pretty boy scumbag and the former least popular man ever, managed to poll 15% positive / 72% negative. Levi...the universe is trying to tell you something when you are less popular than a guy who screwed around on his wife with cancer.

3. Kim Jung-Il

North Korea is sixty-two years young and looking fabulous. It has hung in there despite being mightily misunderstood. The first mistake people make is confusing North Korea for a country. It's not; it's a theme park. The greatest Dark Ages themed amusement park in the world. Presided over by the brilliant yet eccentric Kim Jung-Il, the Willy Wonka of dictators. Maybe the North Koreans are Umpa Lumpas? It explains why no one goes in, no one comes out...all we need is a golden ticket hidden in a enriched uranium rod and we're talking feel good hit:

Come with Rhee,
and you'll be in a world of pure oppression.
Take a look
And you'll see
into your indoctrination.

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