Monday, August 2, 2010

Linda Hogan Should Die in a Fire

So why have we decided to inaugurate our blog with that yule tide log known as Linda Hogan? Why should she die in a fire? We're glad you asked.

 Is it because she's engaged to this twit who looks like he bought his clothes at Dirk Diggler's yard sale? Is it that he looks like the greasy love child of Josh Holloway (Lost) and the Snuffleupagus? Is it that he's twenty-one, Linda is fifty and Linda's daughter is twenty-two thus setting the stage for a team entry in the white trash Olympics (obviously, it would be a downhill event of some kind)? But is that why she should die in a fire? No, because that would be petty.

Women are allowed to age gracelessly just like men. We don't begrudge her wanting to mount the fry clerk from Checkers like a like a lioness picking off the retarded, three legged zebra by the watering hole. We don't begrudge her that anymore than we begrudge the Hulkster for hooking up with a thirty-four year old trauma victim who also happens to be a dead ringer for his daughter. Although we can only imagine the creepy, pornographic versions of Hogan Knows Best that those love birds must get up to. Actually, we've never seen Hogan Knows Best so for all we know it is a creepy, pornographic version already. It would explain a lot.

No, we request that Linda Hogan die in a fire because Charlie Hill (the heretofore mentioned greasy love child) was a close friend of Linda' son Nick. That's right, Linda has literally made her son the punchline from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure:

Ted: Now your dad's going for it in your own room!
Bill: Shut up, Ted.
Ted: Your step-mom *is* cute, though.
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom?
Bill: [shouts] Shut up, Ted!

Except in this version Bill is gay...ooh wait. Now we have questions. But we digress. Nick also happens to be two years younger than his stepdad-in-waiting so he can expect his new dad to be pretty strict given the generation gap. How will they communicate? When Charlie gives Nick life lessons from his childhood will Nick understand? Will he even know that The Dark Knight was a movie? Or that Single Ladies was a hit song? Beyonce is so golden oldies. It will just be confusing for Nick. That's all we're saying.

But the coup de grace, the flammable paint on the stick up Linda Hogan's ass is that she's planning on marrying Charlie on her new yacht. Her new yacht dubbed: Alimony. She christened it Alimony because Inbred Ball Stomping Whore wouldn't fit across the stern. Although apparently it does fit across her stern if you get what we're driving at.

So die in a fire Linda Hogan. Possibly on board your yacht like a Viking whore going to the Valhalla red light district. Even if your kids were forced to watch it wouldn't be anymore traumatic than the alternative.

1 comment:

  1. Let's make Mike Huckabee die in a fire soon.