Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Nice Try, Glenn...

Famed Matador 'El Becko!' taunting the bull into another senseless charge.

Forgive us for stating the obvious, but Bullfighting only works if the bull charges. The day bulls figure out that maybe charging blindly at the cape isn't working as a strategy is the day that bullfighting is done. Without the bull charging all you have is a silly man in marvelously tight pants and an inflamed sense of the dramatic pouting in an oversized sandbox. We here at Die in a Fire would never fall for such base provocation, but the bull never learns, does it? It sees that beautiful red cape fluttering before them and they're sure that this time they will gore the bastard. They feel it deep down in their primal cajones. Next thing they know, they're dead and their ears are being hacked off as trophies for pretty girls. It's a time-honored tradition.

Why our sudden interest in bullfighting? Simple. Because the greatest living American matador, El Becko! has returned to the scene and he's got a brand new cape for August. As we speak, he's out in the ring working the poor bull into a lather. We take you now live to the steps of the Lincoln Memorial where on August 28th, the forty-seventh anniversary of the March on Washington, El Becko is planning a "Restoring Honor" rally. It's a genius move - El Becko! restoring our honor is like Wilt Chamberlain restoring our chastity. It's like Ted Bundy hosting a Take Back the Night rally. It's like Heinrich Himmler presiding over a bris (oh that's right, El Becko!, we went Nazi for no reason, kind of stings don't it?) It's guaranteed to drive the bull insane...let's listen in:

"It was not my intention to select 8/28 because of the Martin Luther King tie. It is the day he made that speech. I had no idea that until I announced it and I walked offstage and my researchers said, 'The New York Times has already published that this is [the same day as the King speech]' - and I said, 'Oh, Jeez.'"

"I had no idea." Wink, wink. That's a nice warm up. Irritating, and obviously disingenuous. Particularly the passive reference to the NYT, which labels it the provocateur for pointing out El Becko's innocent coincidence in the first place. And a quick round of applause to the New York Times for finding and publishing the story in the time it took El Becko! to walk offstage. That's quality investigative journalism from the "lame-stream media". But despite his resplendent package, isn't this just the same old line that El Becko! has been using on hot headed bulls for years? Maybe he's lost a step because there's sure nothing new here so far. Surely the bull won't fall for such obviously and straight forward provocation! Let's see what happens next...

"There will be absolutely no politics involved. This rally will honor the troops, unite the American people under the principles of integrity and truth, and make a pledge to restore honor within ourselves and our country."

El Becko! really snapped the cape with that one, and the bull took it pretty hard. The bull is beginning to froth at the obvious hypocrisy, the hollow rhetoric, the claim that there will be no politics and then scheduling Sarah Palin as a speaker. Still, I don't know how the bull can fall for this. It can't be that stupid, can it? Surely it must know that it's a trap. That El Becko! wants the bull to charge, needs the bull to charge and will just argue that the bull wouldn't have charged if he, El Becko! wasn't right. Why must the bull persecute poor El Becko! But so far the bull has shown restraint. El Becko is looking a mite frustrated. Oh lord, he's pulling out the big guns.

"I believe in divine providence. I believe this is a reason [the date was chosen], because whites don't own the Founding Fathers. Whites don't own Abraham Lincoln. Blacks don't own Martin Luther King. Humans, humans embrace their ideas or reject their ideas. Too many are rejecting the Founders' ideas."

Direct hit. The bull looks pissed. The calculated use of the word "own" was masterful, invoking slavery without directly touching on it while simultaneously wrapping himself in the protective mantle of the Founders. Not to mention the infuriating use of "divine providence," which is redundant and stupid - providence is by definition divine. And to further claim that God omnisciently steered El Becko! to that date to better "direct the universe and the affairs of humankind with wise benevolence." Magnificent. Arrogant, faux innocence mixed with just a hint of heavenly brimstone. We were wrong to doubt El Becko! The bull is teetering and is once again almost entirely under El Becko's spell. All it will take is the merest nudge...

Too many have forgotten Abraham Lincoln's ideas and far too many have either gotten just lazy or they have purposely distorted Martin Luther King's ideas of judge a man by the content of his character."

Quoting Martin Luther King, Jr.? Dirty pool! Oh God, the bull has lost it...it's charging...Nancy Pelosi is screaming bloody murder about the contents of El Becko's sordid character...John Stewart is rolling his eyes...Al Sharpton is blathering nonsense...as the bull passes harmlessly within inches of El Becko! Where did that sword come from? Oh, the humanity. We can't watch the carnage. And now El Becko!, covered in blood, is smiling that smug, knowing, half smile as his adoring public showers him with roses. Toreador! Toreador!! Toreador!!!

Stupid bull...but we're pretty sure we could get him. Such a pretty cape. Get. Our. Matches.

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