Eugene Delgaudio: No Touchy TSA

Did someone say enhanced pat-down?

This twit here is afraid that "the next TSA official that gives you an enhanced pat-down could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission." Eugene Delgaudio made his fears known in an email to the members of the conservative, non-profit Public Advocate of the United States. Apparently, he believes that the TSA's non-discrimination hiring policy is "the federal employee's version of the Gay Bill of Special rights." Therefore (stay with us because the logic gets choppy) the gays must be quitting their jobs in droves for the scintillating opportunity to get secret jollies patting down straight men at airports.


So... we don't know who started the rumor that middle-aged, turkey-necked straight men are catnip to gay men, but, whoever you are, quit it. A joke's a joke, but people like Eugene Delgaudio actually bought it. It's hurtful, and leading him on just isn't fair. You have to tell him the truth. It will be hard for him to hear that gay men have much, much, much more appealing options than standing around airports all day giving "enhanced pat-downs" to out-of-shape straight guys. Namely, other gay men. It's not you, Eugene, it's just that, well, like most straight men you're not attractive and you're not gay. And contrary to myth, being attractive and being gay are actually relatively important qualities to gay men.

It's okay Eugene, we're straight guys ourselves and we've come to terms with the fact that gay men aren't secretly attracted to us either. For a long time, it seemed inconceivable that gay men just wanted to get on with their lives and weren't secretly conspiring to seduce us in their big gay webs. It wasn't easy to hear, since we were conditioned to believe that we were so awe inspiring that anyone different must want to be like us, undermine us or destroy us... but eventually we admitted that gay men just didn't give a diamond encrusted shit. To hear that we weren't even on their agenda? After everything straight men have done to make their lives hell? You'd think we'd at least warrant a footnote, but nope, nada. That was tough to take, and the hurt was real. But in time we learned to stand on our own two feet and get on with our lives, too. If we weren't on their agenda than we were taking them off ours. Try it, you'll be surprised how good it feel. There's hope for you yet, Eugene.

And in the meantime, keep flying those friendly skies Eugene Delgaudio because no one is getting "secret pleasure" from patting you down. Absolutely no one.