Tucker "I'm a Christian, But" Carlson

Praise Jesus*

Ladies and Gentlemen, A Christmas Time message from Tucker Carlson:

"I'm a Christian, I've made mistakes myself, I believe fervently in second chances," Carlson said. "But Michael Vick killed dogs, and he did in a heartless and cruel way. And I think, personally, he should've been executed for that. He wasn't, but the idea that the President of the United States would be getting behind someone who murdered dogs? Kind of beyond the pale."

We're going to skip over the dubious use of "fervently," and the patently inaccurate use of "murder" so that we can get right to the bottom line: Tucker Carlson is a Christian. He said so right before calling for the death penalty for killing pets. Thirty to life for flushing a goldfish down the toilet sound about right, Tucker?

And like Big J, Tucker "believes fervently in second chances" (Jesus called it redemption but then Jesus was eloquent). As a Christian, Tucker believes in humility, the forgiveness of sin, turning the other cheek and love for one's enemies. All those Christiany values that Jesus took time out of his busy schedule to teach. Good for Tucker. However, he must belong to one of those reformed Christian churches that went through their Bibles with magic markers and wrote in "but" and "except" after everything Christ said. You see, children, Jesus might have been the Prince of Peace but he was also the Count of Convenience and as such he was all about carving out exceptions to his teachings. He didn't mean for anyone to believe this stuff 24/7. That would be too efforty. Besides, he was obviously talking about forgiveness pre-24 hour news cycle. Forgiveness don't pay the rent, baby girl. It says so right there in the Book of Hypocrisies, Chapter 4, Verses 11-12:

Thou shalt love thine enemy unless it is deemed politically inexpedient,
Then by all means smite and execute their unholy asses. So sayeth the Lord.

Say what you want to about Peter, but when he renounced Jesus he feared for his life. He didn't do it so he could take potshots on cable news. When did Christianity become a political beard? Gotta love a Christian with a caveat.


 *Praise not available in all states and/or during election season - check restrictions.

WHEREAS, Tucker Carlson (henceforth known as the Praiser) as a Christian agrees to provide praise to Jesus Christ (henceforth known as the Praisee). However, the praise shall be construed as non-binding and in no way constitutes a contractual arrangement between the Praiser and the Praisee.

WHEREAS, The Praiser reserves the right to attend church and strut around like a sanctimonious prat while also using his adoration of the Praisee as a disclaimer before launching into profoundly stupid, hateful diatribes.

WHEREAS, The Praiser also reserves the right to overlook this incongruity if and when he can score cheap political points.

NOW THEREFORE in consideration, the sufficiency of which is acknowledged by both parties, the Praisee can rest easy in the knowledge that righteous and douchey men of Trinity College such as the Praiser are amongst his fairweather servants.

This constitutes the entire agreement between the parties, and may be amended only in writing, signed by both parties.