Terry Allen Lester Should Die In a Fire

Oscar winning opportunity for Danny McBride.

Admittedly, we've gotten a slow start to the New Year here at DIAF. The new year's party got a wee bit out o' hand. It took Jessica, our relentlessly upbeat intern from Cankdeska Cikana Community College, all of New Year's Day just to sort the mannequins from the revelers in Xanax induced comas. Also, the impromptu game of Predator Drone played with Lawn Darts and blindfolds turned really ugly. The joint looks like a bombed out Abercrombie and Fitch, but since our offices happen to be in an abandoned Urban Outfitters perhaps that's a step up? Still it's been hard getting any work done around here.

A new year. A new decade. Ripe with the potential of a fresh start for all of us. The truth is we've been nursing our hangovers and waiting for a sign. Something or someone to augur what kind of year 2011 will be. So we've been combing the broadsheets, and quietly pouring the Starbucks' Gingerbread lattes that Jessica leaves on our desks into the dying ficus. Waiting for the news to deliver us a portent of our future. Will we collectively turn a new leaf or will it be more of the same? Will we start to walk upright or continue to cast doubt on Darwinism with every breath we take? Will we get our acts together or continue merrilly on our way to hell in the same bedazzled hand basket? We were hoping for an early spring, but we're sad to say it looks like we're in for six more years of wintery weirdness.

Meet 2011's groundhog: Terry Allen Lester. Just further proof that guys that go by three names should be given a wide berth (we're looking at you Jared Lee Loughner). It's no easy thing to out crazy 2010, but Terry rose to the challenge by combining everything that was bad about the past decade (sex, violence, bad hair, and angry white people) into one uniquely toxic soufflé. To help ring in 2011, Terry Allen Lester made the world's first improvised explosive device out of a sextoy. Yup, he MacGyvered up an IED out of some gunpowder, buckshot and a vibrator and became the world's first sex terrorist (awesome name for a band, FYI).

The apparent target was one of Terry's ex-girlfriends. What kind of bad karma do you have to have to A) date Terry Allen Lester in the first place, and B) get punished for your lack of options by receiving an exploding sex toy for Christmas? On a side note, fellas, if you're striking out on Match.com then a vacation to Wanesa, Minnesota might be just what the love doctor ordered. If Terry Allen Lester can have ex-girlfriends (plural) then why shouldn't you?

So Terry Allen Lester, we hope you're enjoying jail. Do you know what they do to guys who make exploding vibrators in prison? Neither do we, because you're the first psyhcopath to try it. You're not Jigsaw and this isn't Saw 8, you idiot. Frankly, we thought Michael Edwards Jr.'s would hang on to his title as America's creepiest sex offender for more than six months, but Michael it's time to relinquish your tiara. Terry, like a demented, be-mulleted groundhog, has served notice that in 2011 the nuttiness will continue unabated.