|Where is her song, Sarah Mclaclan?|
To catch you up if, like us, you've been living in ignorant bliss, Toddlers & Tiaras is about "parents" who dress up their daughters (some as young as fourteen months) in swimsuits and heavy makeup and parade them through pageants. The "Learning" Channel is now in the running for most ironically named cable network alongside American Movie Classics, MTV and FoxNews. We don't really have anything funny to say about Toddlers & Tiaras. Some things transcend our capacity to make jokes, but if anyone deserves to die in a fire it is every single adult even remotely involved in the making of this program.
Despite the fact the show plays like an Amber Alert promotional video, it's really the kids' eyes that make you want to gouge out your own. Watching this show is awful the way watching videos of animal testing is awful - you know they never had a chance, and they're trusting enough to sit still as they're poisoned. They may not be in cages but all the tears in the world didn't save the five year old girl from getting her eyebrows waxed. Feel the quality family time.
The whole enterprise is just an exercise in awful because the kids exude the same vibe as the animals in those evil Sarah Mclaclan/ASPCA ads. An "all we want is to be loved, and we'll do anything if you'll just take us home with you" desperation. It's obvious these kids love their parents (the way kids tend to do) and will do anything to please them. And to watch the parents exploit that bond to feed whatever empty, Nietzsche-ian void they are unable to fill at Applebee's is, well, awful. Because sometimes when a two year old stares into the void, the void dresses her up like Madonna from her Blond Ambition tour... right down to the conical bra:
We'll leave you to mull the immortal words of Keanu Reeves in Parenthood: "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car... hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father."
Amen, Keanu. Amen.