Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Rush Limbaugh: Making Logic his Bitch, One Fallacy at a Time

 It's just a damn shame when a woman let's herself go this way...

So Rush Limbaugh thinks Michelle Obama is fat, which raises the question - what forty-something mothers-of-two is he using as his baseline? We wish we were that fat. But given that she's a whale, Rush Limbaugh has concluded that Michelle Obama is a hypocrite for advancing her anti-obesity/healthy kids initiative. How can an obese woman who allows herself to be caught dining on short ribs possibly be able to offer dietary advice to children? Therefore the whole initiatve should be scrapped, because "Leaders are supposed to lead. If we are supposed to go out and eat nothing, if we are supposed to eat roots, berries and tree bark, show us how."

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Prince: Gett Off or Get off

Reminds me of something James used to say...
Listen up, y'all. If Prince invites you up on stage to dance with him during one of his concerts than you had best shake your ass for His Purpleness. Otherwise, this is liable to go down:

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Musings on the Super Bowl

Brought to you by Cialis
  • Christina Aguilera muffed the National Anthem, which just goes to show what happens when people make her sing with clothes on.
  • Sitting outside the the stadium watching the Super Bowl on a big TV is like walking your date to her front door and then making love to her mailbox.
  • A car that provides automatic Facebook updates makes us yearn for a car that tweets the firmness of our BMs.
  • Somewhere Axl Rose is throwing a television out of a Motel 6 listening to Fergie butcher Sweet Child O' Mine. At least he had the decency to wear a catcher's mask when he was caterwauling.
  • Didn't Slash used to be a rock star?
  • The producer responsible for the sound mix for the Black Eyed Peas should probably start updating his resume. Haven't seen that many dead mikes since This Is It.
  • Eminem is lapping the field as biggest celebrity whore of Super Bowl 45. When did the Real Slim Shady start shilling soft drinks?
  • The Packers have a guy named Frank Zombo... George Romero needs to get cracking on a Super Bowl of the Dead script.
  • The new Mini "Cram in the the Boot" commercial seems ready made for a porn parody.
  • Kim Kardashian just did a high gloss version of her sex tape, but I think I'm supposed to buy women's cross trainers or something.
  • How does that taste Brett Favre? Maybe you and Joe Montana can hold each other and have a pity party sometime.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

SNL: The Betty Ford Clinic of Celebrity Images

Can I go? Do they like me now?
Yeah, okay, we get it. If a famous person with a bad reputation appears on Saturday Night Live, it means they're actually cool and have a sense of humor about themselves. Message received.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Rep. Paul Broun Locks Himself in His Room

I love it when they call me Big Baby!
Put Your hands in the air
if you are laisez-faire!
We've tried to swear off writing about politics since the mid-terms, but knew that eventually something would drag us back in. Surprisingly it came in the form of a tweet from Rep. Paul Broun of Georgia. Broun, who found the idea of sitting alongside Democrats at the State of the Union too "kissy-kissy" for his tastes, refused to play nice and instead sat in his office pouting and tweeting. We like to imagine him playing with his favorite stuffed tiger, and grousing about how he never gets to have any fun. Our favorite tweet of the night was:
Mr. President, you don't believe in the Constitution. You believe in socialism.

Melanie Spanopoulos: Love in the Age of Facebook

Don't not "friend" Melanie Spanopoulos.
Apparently this digital age Amy Fisher takes her Facebook seriously. Ever had one of those awkward "why haven't you accepted my friend request" conversations? The ones where you say you just don't check Facebook that often but actually you've consigned the person to Friend Limbo (Frimbo)? Ever had your cousin run you down with her van (twice) because she found out some guy accepted you, but rejected her? No? Well, Giselle Penagos has and her cousin Melanie don't play that.

How does a fight about a Facebook "friend" even work?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Movie Cliché du Jour: The Last Big Score

No, not that kind of Score... well, okay, maybe.
If there is an exhausted, worn out movie trope that needs to be retired from the screenwriters' big book of clichés it is the exhausted, worn out criminal looking to retire. Could it be that Hollywood has a dirty conscience? Do the aging executives and agents who greenlight movies have a weak spot for world weary criminals looking for a new life? Perhaps, perhaps not, but from Heat to The American to The Town, we're starting to wonder where all the mid-career criminals have gone.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Toddlers & Tiaras... Who'll Save the Wee Children?

Where is her song, Sarah Mclaclan?
Who indeed, Groundskeeper Willie? Here's the thing... apparently, TLC has a reality series called Toddlers & Tiaras. Apparently, it just started its fifth season.  And apparently we live under a rock because we just found out it exists. So apologies if we're recycling old news here, but it's a lot to take in all at once and we need to process. It's not everyday you get to see childhood die in HD.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Terry Allen Lester Should Die In a Fire

Oscar winning opportunity for Danny McBride.
Admittedly, we've gotten a slow start to the New Year here at DIAF. The new year's party got a wee bit out o' hand. It took Jessica, our relentlessly upbeat intern from Cankdeska Cikana Community College, all of New Year's Day just to sort the mannequins from the revelers in Xanax induced comas. Also, the impromptu game of Predator Drone played with Lawn Darts and blindfolds turned really ugly. The joint looks like a bombed out Abercrombie and Fitch, but since our offices happen to be in an abandoned Urban Outfitters perhaps that's a step up? Still it's been hard getting any work done around here.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Tucker "I'm a Christian, But" Carlson

Praise Jesus*
Ladies and Gentlemen, A Christmas Time message from Tucker Carlson:

"I'm a Christian, I've made mistakes myself, I believe fervently in second chances," Carlson said. "But Michael Vick killed dogs, and he did in a heartless and cruel way. And I think, personally, he should've been executed for that. He wasn't, but the idea that the President of the United States would be getting behind someone who murdered dogs? Kind of beyond the pale."

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Movie Cliché du Jour: The Sneaky Neck Snap

"Don't kill me!"   "Shh... pretend I'm Angelina."   "Oh Hawt..."
Look we like a good neck snapping as much as the next testosterone addled X-Games fan but shit is getting out of hand. You know the move we're talking about... lethal bowflex-bodied, killing machine steals up behind unsuspecting rent-a-thug and with one Fossesque flourish breaks his neck. Rent-a-thug falls to the ground deader than Jeff Bridges' eyes in Tron. Audience nods approvingly. Let's get it on.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Carine Roitfeld: Fashion Goddess

No, not Iggy Pop's sister.
Ever wonder why women's fashion seems to hate women? Parading impossibly skinny models with unobtainable, unhealthy bodies before a female populace who has neither the time nor the genetics to look like a twelve year old boy. Mucking up women's self-esteem so they can push lines of clothes, low rider jeans for example, that look good on about 2% of women and gives the remaining 98% a blooming muffin top. And generally torturing women into spending astronomical percentages of their income trying to keep up with whatever the magazines claim is stylish. Why so mean spirited, fashion industry?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Good Old Days Can Die in a Fire

Holy shit are we White!!!  Free Puppies!!!
It begins with a wistful and nostalgic nod to a "simpler time." A time that was somehow more honest and wholesome than today. Somewhere in the middle the talk turns to taking back the country, which leads inevitably to the big finish wherein the nation's honor needs to be restored. Next thing you know you're an extra in Birth of a Nation, making pointed hats out of your 400 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets. Welcome to the myopic, pernicious lie known as "the good old days." It's easy, it's lazy and it's incredibly predictable. How predictable, you ask? Well here's a fun test you can do at home. Next time you hear someone open a fresh can of the good old days, there are two certainties - 1) they won't ever specify the date, and 2) the can opener in question will invariably be white. In fact, we'll pay five bucks for any confirmed sighting of an eighty year old black man pining for 1947.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Freakonomics Guys Drop Some Science

Yeah, Yeah... quit rubbing it in.
Look Freakonomics guys, lay off. We're doing the best we can. We're underfunded, understaffed and our intern is a relentlessly upbeat Cankdeska Cikana Community College sophomore who won't quit it with the North Dakota fun facts. Like did you know North Dakota grows more sunflowers than any other state? Do you know how hard it is to work with that kind of energy around? To make matters worse, our office is located in an abandoned Urban Outfitters. It's still full of creepy anorexic manikins in shabbily made clothes for teenagers who can't be bothered to dress like crap on their own. We lose a lot of afternoon staging elaborate reenactments of Civil War battles as fought by slacker emo kids - no one ever gets shot, but by the end the North has unfriended the South.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Bristol Palin and the Old Canard

What's another way to say aged duck?
So a few words on Ghostwriting. Ghostwriting is the art of writing a speech or book or whatnot so that it sounds like your employer. The greatest compliment you can pay to a ghostwriter is, "that didn't sound like you at all." So whether you're polishing one of Bill Clinton's speeches or Keith Richard's autobiography, all the audience hears is the seamless voice of the purported author. It would have been a failure if, let's say, if Kennedy's inauguration speech had suddenly shift into 50's teen slang:

Monday, December 6, 2010

Rowan Somerville's Dark and Stormy Sex Scene

Hubba, Hubba Old Boy
The Literary Review awarded its annual Bad Sex in Fiction award to Rowan Somerville for his novel The Shape of Her. "There's nothing more English than bad sex, so on behalf of a nation, I thank you," said Somerville at the award ceremony. In their minds, the following passage exemplifies why they chose his work:
The wet friction of her, tight around him, the sight of her open, stretched around him, the cleft of her body, it tore a climax out of him with a final lunge. Like a lepidopterist mounting a tough-skinned insect with a too blunt pin he screwed himself into her.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Darren Aronofsky and the Great Brunette Obsession

We're not saying that Darren Aronofsky has a type, but it wouldn't kill Juliette Lewis and Shannen Doherty to update their resumes. Someone has to star opposite Hugh Jackman in The Wolverine and clearly it ain't gonna be Gwyneth Paltrow or Cameron Diaz.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Eugene Delgaudio: No Touchy TSA

Did someone say enhanced pat-down?
This twit here is afraid that "the next TSA official that gives you an enhanced pat-down could be a practicing homosexual secretly getting pleasure from your submission." Eugene Delgaudio made his fears known in an email to the members of the conservative, non-profit Public Advocate of the United States. Apparently, he believes that the TSA's non-discrimination hiring policy is "the federal employee's version of the Gay Bill of Special rights." Therefore (stay with us because the logic gets choppy) the gays must be quitting their jobs in droves for the scintillating opportunity to get secret jollies patting down straight men at airports.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Mel Gibson's Revenge

Oy, are you talking to me, Mate?
This may not be a revelation to anyone, but Mel Gibson has been acting a wee bit twitchy lately. It came as a surprise to us because once upon a time Gibson's public persona was that of a charismatic, down to earth family guy. So when he went all antisemitic, abusive psycho on us it took a while to reconcile. Then we started wondering if we'd missed something. Were there any indications that Gibson might have always had some issues? Perhaps a common theme in his filmography that hinted at something darker in Mel's psyche?

Mel Gibson's breakout role came in George Miller's Mad Max. Made on the cheap in 1979, it tells the tale of Max Rockatansky, a cop whose wife and infant are murdered by bikers. The balance of the film is a straight forward revenge fantasy as Max systematically hunts down and punishes those responsible. Even when he is shot in the knee, Max just lashes together a brace and gets back to his killing spree like a good boy. Becoming ever more remorseless and vicious as the movie comes to an end. It's a great role for a young male actor, and it helped propel him towards stardom. What's interesting is how many times Gibson has made movies that retells Max's revenge.

By our count, he's made variations on Mad Max five times in the last thirty years: Lethal Weapon 1-4 1987+, Braveheart 1995, Payback 1999, The Patriot 2000, and Edge of Darkness 2009. In each film, Gibson's character loses his wife and/or children and before the credits roll the folks responsible all stare down the business end of his 9mm, broadsword, epee, musket or sawed-off shotgun. Generally, Gibson's characters give single minded a bad name. They disregard personal safety, the criminal code and common sense in pursuit of vengeance. If you wronged one, he's going to keep on coming until one of you is dead, possibly both. It doesn't always seem to matter to the men Gibson plays.

There's also a creepy vein of sadism that runs through these films. In many of them, Gibson's character is made to suffer and sacrifice horribly. In Mad Max, he gets shot in the knee and in Lethal Weapon 2 he's stabbed in the same leg. In Payback, his toes are smashed with a hammer while in Edge of Darkness, he is dosed with a lethal, slow acting poison. And of course in Braveheart, he is publicly castrated, disemboweled and finally quartered by a team or horses. Kind of the trifecta of shitty ways to go out. When viewed alongside the acknowledged sadism and brutality of The Passion of the Christ, does William Wallace point to some sort of martyr or victim complex? Let's be honest, it ain't easy being a Mel Gibson character. We're not saying Gibson has ever been flogged by a professional dominatrix, but we wouldn't drop our whiskey sours if he had. Where there are screams of pain there's usually fire (thank you DJ Mixed Metaphor). And we didn't even include The Bounty, Hamlet, Apocalyto or Ransom.

So which came first the abusive chicken or the tortured egg? Mad Max or the revenge theme? Did Mad Max shape the man, or was the man always drawn to gleefully sadistic tales of revenge? Hard to say if you're name's not Mel Colm-Cille Gerard Gibson, and perhaps it's not enough to reveal anything definitive about the man. But we do respect a trend and as a precaution we wouldn't recommend messing with the guy. How's that been working out for you, Oksana?

Monday, November 29, 2010

Tea Bagging America until the Money Shot

Judging by his expression, we'd guess Teabaggee.
When did the porn industry become media trendsetters? Entering Borders on Friday afternoon, the cover of Dana Milbank's Tears of a Clown greeted shoppers on the new release shelf. Glenn Beck's scowling mug graced the cover, but it was the subtitle: Glenn Beck and the Tea Bagging of America that really caught the eye. It wasn't the first time we'd seen "tea bagging" or "tea baggers" used as an insulting play on the Tea Party but it was the first time we'd seen it displayed proudly in a bookstore.

The whole tea bag thing all began as an unfortunate sign carried at a Tea Party rally, and quickly morphed into a derogatory Internet punchline. For obvious reasons, we expected it to stay there since the traditional use of "tea bagging" is slang for a sex act wherein a man dips his testicles in and out of a partner's mouth à la steeping a cup of tea. As charming as it sounds, it wasn't something we expected to see make the news. Yet MSNBC and CNN have been making "tea bagging" jokes since at least the beginning of the year. Anderson Cooper said with obvious expertise that, "It's hard to talk when you're tea bagging." Thanks for the tip, Anderson. And Rachel Maddow enhanced her standing as a serious journalist while pondering Ana Marie Cox's question, "Who wouldn't want to tea bag John McCain?" Unsatisfied, Maddow later cemented her claim as heir to Walter Cronkite when she said, "Even Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina is getting in on the hot tea-bagging action." Kids... smutty double entendres on the news are funny because they're trained journalists. If you do it, you're just being childish.

However, Tea Bag does not a trend make. For that we need to return to CNN and Wolf Blitzer:


The reason Cafferty cracked up is that a "money shot" is porn industry slang for the conclusion of a pornographic interlude when the male performer ejaculates onto his partner. Nine to five jobs may not be the most glamorous professions, but at least someone doesn't come on your head to let you know it's quitting time. As Stephen Ziplow writes, "the money shot, is the most important element in the movie and that everything else (if necessary) should be sacrificed at its expense." The term has made a somewhat shady migration to the mainstream to refer to any big moment or major payoff. Still, the original connotation tends to overwhelm the senses, so to speak, and makes for unintentional comedy. Take the CNN commenter who yelled out, "there's the money shot" as a freed Chilean miner was reunited with his wife. That's a little awkward. Sure he was down in that cave for sixty-eight days, but where's the staying power? Don't they have baseball in Chile?

Perhaps the media is trying to find a way to connect with its deteriorating viewership. A lot more people appear to be watching porn than the news (28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography per second) so maybe it's a smart move. Perhaps porn is the new lingua franca - a secret, unacknowledged language for our modern, fragmented world. If that is the case, bravo media for innovating but have the courage of your convictions... don't stop at two. There have got to be loads more inappropriate pornographic terms begging to be adapted for family newspapers. As always, Die In a Fire is happy to help get you started:
  • DP - verb. Two people acting in concert to screw a third. Usage: Michelle O'Donnell teamed up with Chris Coons to DP Mike Castle and the GOP in Delaware.
  • Snowball - verb. To regift, to pass on to a second party. Usage: Tom Delay was convicted this week of illegally snowballing almost $200,000 in cash to Texas GOP candidates.
  • Reach Around - noun. An inadequate gift or compensation. Usage: The State of New York gave the wrongly convicted man a reach around of five million dollars to compensate him for the twenty years he lost in jail.
  • Dirty Sanchez - verb. To rub something in a persons face in a taunting manner. Usage: O.J. Simpson dirty sanchezed Nicole Brown's family while announcing he would not rest until her killer was brought to justice.
Oh, and porn industry, you shouldn't feel cheated. You deserve equal time. So why don't you take the vastly overused mainstream expression "jump the shark" and make it something incredibly dirty and degrading. Mazel Tov!